John Bunyan
But passing
the master of the family, I shall speak
a word or two to those that are under
him.
And, first,
to the wife: The wife is bound by the
law to her husband, so long as her
husband liveth (Rom 7:2). Wherefore she
also hath her work and place in the
family, as well as the rest.
Now there
are these things considerable in the
carriage of a wife toward her husband,
which she ought conscientiously to
observe.
First, That
she look upon him as her head and lord.
'The head of the woman is the man' (1
Cor 11:3). And so Sarah called Abraham
lord (1 Peter 3:6).
Second, She
should therefore be subject to him, as
is fit in the Lord. The apostle saith,
'That the wife should submit herself to
her husband, as to the Lord' [12] (1
Peter 3:1;Col 3:18; Eph 5:22). I told
you before, that if the husband doth
walk towards his wife as becomes him, he
will therein be such an ordinance of God
to her, besides the relation of a
husband, that shall preach to her the
carriage of Christ to his church. And
now I say also, that the wife, if she
walk with her husband as becomes her,
she shall preach the obedience of the
church to her husband. 'Therefore as the
church is subject unto Christ, so let
the wives be to their own husbands in
everything' (Eph 5:24). Now for thy
performing of this work, thou must first
shun these evils.
1. The evil
of a wandering and a gossiping spirit;
this is evil in the church, and is evil
also in a wife, who is the figure of a
church. Christ loveth to have his spouse
keep at home; that is, to be with him in
the faith and practice of his things,
not ranging and meddling with the things
of Satan; no more should wives be given
to wander and gossip abroad. You know
that Proverbs 7:11 saith, 'She is loud
and stubborn; her feet abide not in her
house.' Wives should be about their own
husbands' business at home; as the
apostle saith, Let them 'be discreet,
chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient
to their own husbands.' And why? Because
otherwise 'the word of God will be
blasphemed' (Titus 2:5).
2. Take
heed of an idle, talking, or brangling
tongue. This also is odious, either in
maids or wives, to be like parrots, not
bridling their tongue; whereas the wife
should know, as I said before, that her
husband is her lord, and is over her, as
Christ is over the church. Do you think
it is seemly for the church to parrot it
against her husband? Is she not to be
silent before him, and to look to his
laws, rather than her own fictions? Why
so, saith the apostle, ought the wife to
carry it towards her husband? 'Let the
woman,' saith Paul, 'learn in silence
with all subjection. But I suffer not a
woman to teach, nor to usurp authority
over the man, but to be in silence' (1
Tim 2:11, 12). It is an unseemly thing
to see a woman so much as once in all
her lifetime to offer to overtop her
husband; she ought in everything to be
in subjection to him, and to do all she
doth, as having her warrant, licence,
and authority from him. And indeed here
is her glory, even to be under him, as
the church is under Christ: Now 'she
openeth her mouth with wisdom, and in
her tongue is the law of kindness' (Prov
31:26).
3. Take
heed of affecting immodest apparel, or a
wanton gait; this will be evil both
abroad and at home; abroad, it will not
only give ill example, but also tend to
tempt to lust and lasciviousness; and at
home it will give an offence to a godly
husband, and be cankering to ungodly
children, &c. Wherefore, as saith
the apostle, Let women's apparel be
modest, as becometh women professing
godliness, with good works, 'not with
broidered hair, or gold, or pearls, or
costly array' (1 Tim 2:9, 10). And as it
is said again, 'Whose adorning, let it
not be that outward adorning of plaiting
the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of
putting on of apparel: But let it be the
hidden man of the heart, in that which
is not corruptible, even the ornament of
a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the
sight of God of great price. For after
this manner in the old time the holy
women also, who trusted in God, adorned
themselves, being in subjection unto
their own husbands' (1 Peter 3:3-5).
But yet, do
not think that by the subjection I have
here mentioned, that I do intend women
should be their husbands' slaves. Women
are their husbands' yoke fellows, their
flesh and their bones; and he is not a
man that hateth his own flesh, or that
is bitter against it (Eph 5:29).
Wherefore, let every man 'love his wife
even as himself; and the wife see that
she reverence her husband' (Eph 5:33).
The wife is master next her husband, and
is to rule all in his absence; [13] yea,
in his presence she is to guide the
house, to bring up the children,
provided she so do it, as the adversary
have no occasion to speak reproachfully
(1 Tim 5:10, 13). 'Who can find a
virtuous woman? for her price is far
above rubies. A gracious woman retaineth
honour:' and guideth her affairs with
discretion (Prov 31:10; 11:16; 12:4).
Object.
But my husband is an unbeliever; what
shall I do?
Answer.
If so, then what I have said before
lieth upon thee with an engagement so
much the stronger. For, 1. Thy husband
being in this condition, he will be
watchful to take thy slips and
infirmities, to throw them as dirt in
the face of God and thy Saviour. 2. He
will be apt to make the worst of every
one of thy words, carriages, and
gestures. 3. And all this doth tend to
the possessing his heart with more
hardness, prejudice, and opposition to
his own salvation; wherefore, as Peter
saith, 'ye wives, be in subjection to
your husbands; that, if any obey not the
word, they may also without the word be
won by the conversation of the wives;
while they behold your chaste
conversation, coupled with fear' (1
Peter 3:1, 2). Thy husband's salvation
or damnation lieth much in thy
deportment and behaviour before him;
wherefore, if there be in thee any fear
of God, or love to thy husband, seek, by
a carriage full of meekness, modesty,
and holiness, and a humble behaviour
before him, to win him to the love of
his own salvation; and by thus doing,
how 'knowest thou, O wife, whether thou
shalt save thy husband?' (1 Cor 7:16).
Object.
But my husband is not only an
unbeliever, but one very froward,
peevish, and testy, yea, so froward,
&c., that I know not how to speak to
him, or behave myself before him.
Answer.
Indeed there are some wives in great
slavery by reason of their ungodly
husbands; and as such should be pitied,
and prayed for; so they should be so
much the more watchful and circumspect
in all their ways.
1.
Therefore be thou very faithful to him
in all the things of this life.
2. Bear
with patience his unruly and unconverted
behaviour; thou art alive, he is dead;
thou art principled with grace, he with
sin. Now, then, seeing grace is stronger
than sin, and virtue than vice; be not
overcome with his vileness, but overcome
that with thy virtues (Rom 12:21). It is
a shame for those that are gracious to
be as lavishing in their words, &c.,
as those that are graceless: They that
are 'slow to wrath are of great
understanding; but they that are hasty
of spirit, exalteth folly' (Prov 14:29).
3. Thy
wisdom, therefore, if at any time thou
hast a desire to speak to thy husband
for his conviction, concerning anything,
either good or evil, it is to observe
convenient times and seasons: There is
'a time to keep silence, and a time to
speak' (Eccl 3:7). Now for the right
timing thy intentions,
(1.)
Consider his disposition; and take him
when he is farthest off of those filthy
passions that are thy afflictions.
Abigail would not speak a word to her
churlish husband till his wine was gone
from him, and he in a sober temper (1
Sam 25:36, 37). The want of this
observation is the cause why so much is
spoken, and so little effected. [14]
(2.) Take
him at those times when he hath his
heart taken with thee, and when he
showeth tokens of love and delight in
thee. Thus did Esther with the king her
husband, and prevailed (Ester 5:3, 6;
7:1, 2).
(3.)
Observe when convictions seize his
conscience, and then follow them with
sound and grave sayings of the
Scriptures. Somewhat like to this dealt
Manoah's wife with her husband (Judg
13:22, 23). Yet then,
(a) Let thy
words be few.
(b) And
none of them savouring of a lording it
over him; but speak thou still as to thy
head and lord, by way of entreaty and
beseeching.
(c) And
that in such a spirit of sympathy, and
bowels of affection after his good, that
the manner of thy speech and behaviour
in speaking may be to him an argument
that thou speakest in love, as being
sensible of his misery, and inflamed in
thy soul with desire after his
conversion.
(d) And
follow thy words and behaviour with
prayers to God for his soul.
(e) Still
keeping thyself in a holy, chaste, and
modest behaviour before him.
Object.
But my husband is a sot, a fool, and one
that hath not wit enough to follow his
outward employment in the world.
Answer.
1. Though all this be true, yet thou
must know he is thy head, thy lord, and
thy husband.
2.
Therefore thou must take heed of
desiring to usurp authority over him. He
was not made for thee; that is, for thee
to have dominion over him, but to be thy
husband, and to rule over thee (1 Tim
2:12; 1 Cor 11:3, 8).
3.
Wherefore, though in truth thou mayest
have more discretion than he, yet thou
oughtest to know that thou, with all
that is thine, is to be used as under
thy husband; even 'every thing' (Eph
5:24). Take heed therefore, that what
thou dost goes not in thy name, but his;
not to thy exaltation, but his; carrying
all things so, by thy dexterity and
prudence, that not one of thy husband's
weaknesses be discovered to others by
thee: 'A virtuous woman is a crown to
her husband: but she that maketh
ashamed, is as rottenness in his bones.'
For then, as the wise man sayeth, 'she
will do him good and not evil, all the
days of her life' (Prov 12:4; 31:12).
4.
Therefore act, and do still, as being
under the power and authority of thy
husband.
Now
touching thy carriage to thy children
and servants. Thou art a parent, and a
mistress, and so thou oughtest to demean
thyself. And besides, seeing the
believing woman is a figure of the
church, she ought, as the church, to
nourish and instruct her children, and
servants, as the church, that she may
answer in that particular also; and
truly, the wife being always at home,
she hath great advantage that way;
wherefore do it, and the Lord prosper
your proceeding.
